Felicia Nimue Ackerman: A Narrow Fellow in the Glass
(First appeared in The Emily Dickinson International Society Bulletin)
A narrow fellow in the glass
Is what I yearn to see —
But much I must forgo, alas
To make a slimmer me —
No cookies, brownies, cake, or pie —
I may become unstrung.
The pleasure healthful foods supply
Is zero at the tongue.
— Felicia Nimue Ackerman
The peace of tyranny
At the Nazis’ 1934 Nuremberg Rally.
A country that is truly free
Has citizens who disagree.
There isn't any culture war
In Orwell's 1984.
—Felicia Nimue Ackerman
No silver lining
"Irene has shining golden hair,
And fame and glory without end,
And greater wealth than even she
Could ever find a way to spend.
But Beth cannot afford to buy
What goes beyond her basic needs.
She must make do with what she has
And squeeze each penny till it bleeds.
Which woman hates her empty days?
Whose sadness makes her hard and mean?
Who yearns and yearns to change her life?
I’m sorry, but . . . it’s not Irene.''
-- "Irene and Beth,'' by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
Memories of my wet wealth
I wandered lonely as a star
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a bar,
A host of golden liquid thrills,
And there inside for me to choose,
All manner of delightful booze.
I asked and so I did receive
A cocktail heavy on the gin,
A perfect lovely bright reprieve
For me to drown my sorrows in,
And then more drinks, so nice and fine,
All leading me to joy divine.
"The world is in a glass!" I said.
"What more could I desire than this?"
Sobriety's like being dead,
And alcohol is surely bliss."
I drank and drank but little thought
What wealth these drinks to me had brought.
For oft when on my couch I lie,
I know well what these drinks have brought.
They flash upon that inward eye,
Complete with all the joy I sought.
I always can revive my mood
Recalling times when I got stewed.
"Who Needs Daffodils,'' by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
Unrequited love
On the Snow
"We're all supposed to love the Earth
And thrill to nature's bold displays.
We're all supposed to be entranced
When nature sends us snowy days.
But I just tumbled on the snow
And gave my knee a nasty whack.
If I'm supposed to love the Earth,
The Earth should try to love me back.''
-- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
Beware the holiday health police
Christmas is Coming
Christmas is coming, beware of getting fat.
Keep in mind that vegetables are where it's at.
If you haven't got a carrot, a cucumber will do.
If you disobey the health police, then God help you!
--- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
Felicia Nimue Ackerman: So lucky to be here
My daughter keeps telling me I am so lucky to be here.
She means instead of in her five-bedroom home,
Which always has space for another child
But not for a grandmother in a wheelchair.
I am so lucky to be here.
My room is yellow as the sun,
Which warms my face
When I roll out onto the porch
And endure people I have nothing in common with
Except age and abandonment.
For so long I dreaded being shut away from the world.
But I am so lucky to be here,
The best nursing home in Rhode Island,
Instead of where I would be if people knew
That what killed my unfaithful husband
Was not an accident.
-- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
So he can study at Brown?!
''Laocoon and His Sons,'' believed to have been created for a wealthy Roman between 27 B.C. and 68 A.D. It's now at the Vatican Museums.
You Are Old, Father William (with apologies to Lewis Carroll)
(Slightly revised from the version that appeared in The Los Angeles Times and used here by permission)
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And the money's become very tight,
And yet you'll spend anything not to be dead --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I figured that old folks should die,
But now that I'm perfectly sure that I'm one,
I do not see a good reason why."
"You are old," said the son, "as I mentioned before.
So consider your grandson's position,
Since the money that keeps you away from death's door
Could be used for his college tuition.''
"I am old," Father William replied with a frown,
"But I've not taken leave of my wits!
I should croak so young Willie can study at Brown?
Be off, or I'll blow you to bits!"
-- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
The Fat Ladies Sing
We revel in our candy bars
And cookies, cake, and pie.
That vegetables taste wonderful
Is one humongous lie.
But now we face admonishment.
Our size sets off a fuss.
The war against obesity
Includes a war on us.
We know our girth is plentiful,
But listen to our voice.
When thinking of our corpulence,
Why can't you be pro-choice?
-- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
Unrequited love
"Winter Sleigh Ride'' {would there be a summer one?} (oil on canvas), by John Clymer (1907-1989), Saturday Evening Post cover, Dec. 17, 1949, at the National Museum of American Illustration, Newport, RI. (© Image courtesy American Illustrators Gallery, NYC, 2016)
On the Snow
We're all supposed to love the Earth
And thrill to nature's bold displays.
We're all supposed to be entranced
When nature sends us snowy days.
But I just tumbled on the snow
And gave my knee a nasty whack.
If I'm supposed to love the Earth,
The Earth should try to love me back.
-- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
*
Felicia Nimue Ackerman: The horror, the horror
In the bleak mid-December
Icy winds attack your face.
Icy streets impede your pace.
Worst of all (lest you forget),
It's not even winter yet.
-- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
Stump Trump
Election Expectation
It shouldn't be hard to defeat Donald Trump --
Where there's a real issue, he's easy to stump.
-- Felicia Nimue Ackerman
Masters of letters to the editor
Years ago, not when I worked there, The Providence Journal, in its prosperous and growing days, had an annual dinner to honor the best writers of letters to the editor in the previous year.
Over the years there have been masters of that craft on the Commentary pages. Three who come to mind; Robert Riesman, an eloquent and urbane businessman, philanthropist, military expert and leading national Democrat who died in 2004; Felicia Nimue Ackerman, a Brown University philosophy professor who is still going strong, and another great friend of mine, Marvin Greenberg, a retired business executive and health-policy expert who recently died after a long, tough battle against cancer.
Whatever the occasional dissimilarities of their views, their letters usually share the concision, general knowledge, logic and humor, especially in denunciation, necessary for a memorable letter to the editor in a general-interest publication.
I'm sorry I wasn't around to attend one of those dinners where some masters of this very public craft were honored.
I should also note that good writers of letters to the editor tend to be good company in person, too.
--- Robert Whitcomb